If you think of some truly funny holiday films that you feel I should have included (for example, “Trading Places” and “Bad Santa”) please fire off an angry email to the complaint department ([email protected]).

I could probably have written a top 20 list, but I’d rather get it down to the nuggets, which I think I can do if I stick with my top-five all-time favorites. 

Here goes.

No. 5 – “Die Hard” (IMDb rating: 8.2/10)

Surprised? Lots of holiday film lovers don’t consider Bruce Willis’ 1988 asskicker eligible for consideration as a holiday film. But it is, far as I’m concerned. (Queue the aforementioned explosions.) Willis’ John McClane was in Los Angeles to visit his estranged wife and kids for the Christmas when everything landed buttered-side-down at Nakatomi Plaza, right? So there. It’s a holiday movie, and one of my all-time favorites. And Alan Rickman’s bad guy (who is actually the comic relief, if you think about it — until he dies at the end, of course) has some great one-liners. Just not the very best one, cowboy.

Favorite line (same as everyone else’s): “Yippie-ki-yay, motherf*****.”

No. 4 – “The Ref” (IMBd rating: 6.9/10)

How in the wide, wide world of sports could over 17,000 reviewers on IMDb.com rate this comedic holiday classic a measley 6.9 out of 10? It’s mind-blowing. Denis Leary was at the height of his comedic game in 1994, and the quick-witted smartass shares the screen with Judy Davis and a funny-as-he’s-ever-been-on-film Kevin Spacey. Leary plays a thief who’s Christmas caper goes wrong in the wrong house, whose occupants are dealing with a myriad of past mistakes, all come home to roost for the holidays. Trust me, hilarity ensues. J.K. Simmons and Christine Baranski (I can never decide whether or not I think she’s attractive) also make appearances.

Favorite line: “Your husband ain’t dead lady. He’s hiding.”

No. 3 – “Scrooged” (IMDb rating: 7.0/10)

Here’s another holiday movie from my senior year of high school. (That’s 1988. You do the math.) Bill Murray’s hair was never more teased — and his wit never sharper — than in this tenacious little take on “A Christmas Carol” set in the cutthroat world of network TV. Murray’s Frank Cross character is a wheeling, dealing corporate big-wig (literally) who will do anything to win the Christmas Eve ratings race, including stapling fake antlers to the heads of live mice. Karen Allen, John Forsythe, Carol Kane, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Buster Poindexter (David Johansen) all take turns making you laugh.

Favorite line: “The b**** hit me with a toaster.”

No. 2 – “Christmas Vacation” (IMDb rating: 7.6/10)

Seven. Point. Six. Really? Ok, there’s something wrong with the rating system at IMDb.com. Because that can’t be right. I don’t even have to tell you what this movie is about because you’ve seen it three thousand times and laughed your ass off that number multiplied by a million. (Again, you do the math.) So the rating system isn’t working correctly. That’s established. I can’t even pick my favorite scene from the movie. Is it the search for the Christmas tree at the beginning; or the side story with the characters played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Nicholas Guest; or the sappy part in the middle when Clarke gets trapped in the attic; or the running fiasco with the house lights; or the family dinner at the end? Let’s face it, your favorite holiday movie would have to be pretty good to be better than this one, right?

There is only one that I can think of.

Favorite line: “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn’t be any more surprised than I am right now.”

No. 1 – “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” (IMDb rating 7.6/10)

Another 7.6 rating. (BROKEN!) Come on, it’s John Hughes, for Pete’s sake. “Home Alone” (another pretty good holiday film that just barely missed this list)? “The Breakfast Club”? “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”? “Sixteen Candles”? “Mr. Mom”? If you went to the movies in the 1980s, John Hughes had a lasting effect on your life as an adult human being on this planet whether you realize it or not. For me, this film was his best. It’s hilariously funny, and heart-achingly sad, all seasoned and baked and cooked into your Thanksgiving turkey. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the best thing Hughes ever wrote. He directed it, too, so it’s all him, from start to finish. This movie is the only reason I didn’t wait until mid-December to write this blog. It’s a Thanksgiving movie, as noted, and one of the few I can think of that people have on their list of films to watch every year.

Me? I couldn’t wait until Thanksgiving. I made everyone in the house watch it about two weeks ago. Hell, if the Crimson Tide weren’t playing football on TV, I’d go watch “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Favorite line: See the previous sentence.

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I realize that “A Christmas Story” is not on this list. I mean, that’s everybody’s favorite holiday film, right? Hilarious from start to finish; funny and sad; idiotic and complex, all at the same time — I just … I assume I don’t have to say any of this. Right? And since it is everyone’s favorite holiday movie OF ALL TIME, what we’re really talking about with this list is our top five films NOT INCLUDING “A Christmas Story.”

Aren’t we? I was.